It's ok to not be ok

Depression. A disorder that I have been struggling with for years now. It all started off as seasonal depression and as life just continued on, it gradually became more major. If I am being honest, I don't like that I have depression because those darker days take me away from reality. Often times I am able to tell when a depressive episode is coming about because I begin to shut down. My version of shutting down is isolating myself from the world, depersonalizing, and just wanting to be left alone and unbothered. My comfort during that time is a dark room, under the blankets, listening to "my feels" playlist. Yes, we depressed people surely have a feels playlist.

So, what does depression actually look like on a day to day for me. I have my highs and then I have my lows. For example, I was just let go from my job this past Friday, and it didn't hit me then but now that I am actually home consistently applying for jobs the feelings are starting to hit. I want to be working, socializing with new faces, and just bringing in an income for myself and soon family. However, the job hunting is very hard, and I am just feeling like I am not good enough, and when I begin thinking those thoughts, I begin to believe them. Truthfully, I am not ok. I feel like I failed as a fiancé, soon to be mother, and daughter. I have been working so hard to get my MBA degree that I was just let go from a job that I absolutely loved doing.

Sometimes when I am also going through a depressive episode, I begin thinking those thoughts. You know those thoughts. I should not explain. The thing about those thoughts is that I never will act on them. I tell my therapist all the time about how I do have those thoughts, but acting on them will never occur. I think doing such because in the time I don't want to be facing the challenges and struggles that I am facing anymore. It pains me and numbs me. I feel paralyzed from it, but I am never going to end it all because of it. When I am thinking those thoughts, I am talking to my partner about it because he listens and comforts me. He gives me the strength to keep on pushing through the pain and numbness.

Falling into a depressive episode is not my cup of tea. It also looks a lot different in my relationship too. Finding my partner was a long-waited journey but he is truly the best. When I am a 20%, he is picking up 80%. When I am not ok, he is asking me how he can help. When I want to just cry, he gives the shoulder to do it on. He is patient with me and comforting and I am so thankful to have a partner like him. Having depression can look different in a relationship, but the one thing that I have been learning along the way is that communication is key.

So, to help anyone who is struggling with depression, go get the help you need! You should never be fighting your battles alone. No matter what your mind is telling you someone out there loves and cares about you. If you feel like you do not have anyone to turn to during those harder times call the suicide helpline!!!

We are not alone:

988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline

I love you, my friends.

xoxo,

Mariah