Mental Health Awareness Month
I mean let’s call it how it is…. Every month is mental health awareness month. How are you going to prioritize yourself and your mental health this month? What are you going to do differently?
This month every year I have always shared my story with my friends and family on Facebook to spread awareness. Well, this year is looking a little different because I have more than just my friends and family reading my post. I did the one thing I was scared to do, and now I am happy that I did it because it’s like having my own digital journal and a chance to talk to people who do not get to see my everyday life.
Over the past couple months, I have been sharing a little bit about the things that I struggle with from anxiety, depression, PTSD, pregnancy loss all things - Mental Health. So, here we go. Hi, my name is Mariah, and I am not perfect. I have dark humor, and I have learned many different techniques to cope with all my problems. I have a lot of problems and it still amazes me to this day with how I handle it all with such… let’s say grace. I struggle with the following: Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, ADHD, and I have an eating disorder. I am currently taking Buspirone and just changed over to Effexor. I was taking Zoloft, but I gained 30lbs in the 6 months I was on it, and I don’t know if anyone has had these types of dreams, but my vivid dreams are like murder and violence related. Like blood, weapons, people, anything you would expect to see in a crime scene was my dreams. So, now we are attempting SNRIs instead.
Anxiety. Anyways, back to my story. Remember I said I have ADHD, so it takes me a hot minute to really get to the point. My fiancé tells me the same thing HAHA. I struggle with anxiety from the social to the generalized. I hate going out in public places alone because I just have this fear of people judging me, or I like embarrass myself in a crowd. I also just don’t like it when I catch people looking at me, it just triggers me. As far as my generalized anxiety goes, I like to think I cope with it well. I have turned to journaling a lot of the time when I am sitting heavily on my anxious thoughts. I have also just taken extra steps to distract myself from what I am thinking. This could be going outside for a walk, playing a game on my phone, or I will start cleaning. I also am someone where texture can calm me down, so touching or petting a dog is a great way to ease my anxiety. When I notice it’s getting bad to the point, I am going to put myself into a panic attack, I talk about it with my fiancé, and he just listens and helps me focus on reality rather than the anxiety.
Depression. My depression is alright, I will certainly have my days but eventually bounce back. When I am depressed or having a depressive episode, I always have suicidal thoughts, and it’s never acting on them. I just get these thoughts because whatever it is I am dealing with I just don’t want to live through it anymore. Sometimes when I am depressed, I am smiling and laughing my way through it, so others can’t tell what I am struggling with, and other times I am in a dark room under the blankets listening to “My Feels” playlist.
ADHD. Y’all let me tell you something I was just told I had ADHD. I like always had a feeling I did, but just this past year when I met with a new psychiatrist, he was like you have ADHD. He decided not to put me on any medication for it because I have just been dealing with it this whole time and have been pretty successful without medication. When I am telling a story get comfortable because I am easily distracted and sometimes lack to get to the point. Which is funny to me because I am someone who wants people to get straight to the point because my attention span is literally nonexistent. Aside from that, I will usually start doing something, then do something else, and eventually go back to what I was originally do. Now don’t ask me the timeframe because sometimes it’s 20 minutes later to 2 hours later when I realized I was doing something. When it comes to my schoolwork, I can confidently say it plays a factor especially when I am typing long papers, but I managed to graduate cum laude in my undergrad, and currently have a 4.0 is my MBA program. So, I just deal with it.
PTSD. I hate that I went through such traumatic experiences in my life to now I am literally traumatized. There are a lot of things that can trigger me terribly. I don’t want to go into so much detail about this because there is a whole entire post regarding my PTSD. However, I am going to end this section with this, going back home to visit my family is always hard for me. Just being back in my hometown where all the trauma started. People always ask me if I will ever move back to my hometown and the answer is simply no.
Eating Disorder. I didn’t know I had an eating disorder until I saw a therapist back in my hometown and she was telling me that I had one. She even gave me a book to take home, so I could learn more about it. So, at first, I used to starve myself and restrict myself to food. I would go to work from 8AM-5PM without eating. When I got home, I would eat one meal and then not eat anything after 8PM. I did this for the longest time, I remember the lowest I was, was 125. Damn I looked good, or so I thought I did. When I weighed that much, I looked sick. I was literally skin, and bones and I know you’re probably thinking 125 is a normal and healthy weight, but for me it was not healthy. Then, after my last horrendous relationship my eating disorder became more of a binge eating disorder. I was binge eating terribly and it was only ever on my comfort food which was, Chocolate. I would go to the store and buy 2 family size bags of Reese’s peanut butter cups and finish both bags in one week. I remember this one time my mom got the big bag Hershey Kisses, and I ate that whole bag in one week. When I recently told my therapist I wanted to lose the weight I gained from what Zoloft caused me to gain she was very nervous for me because of my eating disorder. Sometimes therapists need reassurance too, and I had to reassure her that I was not going to go back to starving myself.
Now that I was able to talk a little bit about the things that I struggle with on a day-to-day basis, I encourage you to do the same. This month I am going to work on going places alone and doing things alone. Since I am unemployed currently, I have all the time during the day to sit at a coffee shop by myself or go to the beach by myself. There are a lot of different resources out there to help you with whatever it is you may be struggling with. I encourage you first to seek help from licensed professionals, and as scary as that may seem to you now. You will be glad you did. I was scared at first but now I am sharing my story, seeking help, and spreading awareness in hopes that others can do the same. Don’t fight your battles in silence because there are people out there that can help you. Might take a few wrong therapists to find the right one.
If you are struggling here are some resources, you can utilize to help you take those next steps to breaking the stigma:
· 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
· National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine: 1-800-950-NAMI, or text “HELPLINE” to 62640
· National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
· Rape Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) is the nation's largest organization fighting sexual violence: (800) 656-HOPE
Your mental health is important, Prioritize it.
Xoxo,
Mariah
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