*Trigger Warning: SA*

Out of respect for some that may share a similar story to mine. I wanted to make it know that this could be a trigger to some. Remember in my previous blog I was talking about how I started doing EMDR therapy to help with my trauma from my past. Well, I never touched deep base on the trauma from my past and PTSD from it. I was sexually assaulted, not once but twice. Therapy, especially the EMDR is what has given me the courage to talk about my experience and how I managed/manage to cope and process it to this day.

To start off, I didn't cope with the trauma well and what had happened. My way of trying to heal was not healing. I was trying to move past all the pain that it caused me that I simply just began becoming numb to it. Life back in my hometown was.... HELL. It was miserable and hard to come out of something that stripped me of my innocence, reason to keep living life, and just who I am. If this is becoming too triggering, I suggest skipping over the next two paragraphs.

The story..... EMDR therapy I must relive the trauma in my head and process it to where in those moments of how I felt, I had to change my thought process to the good in it. Even though there was no good in it. Because it happened, I again was stripped of who I was. I felt like I couldn't fight for myself and that if I couldn't protect myself then I can't do it now. I was 15 years old when it happened the first time. It got to where I was telling my partner to stop. I remember I kept saying, "stop, stop,stop." With tears just rolling down my face experiencing the pain it was causing me. The crying out to stop and tears was too much for him and what did he do next. He put a pillow with those fuzzies on one side over my face to the point in which I then couldn't breathe and continue with what he was doing. My family was all downstairs, and they had no idea that I was simply upstairs fighting and crying out for help. I felt stripped of my ability to speak out, and my innocence. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't know how to tell anyone because I felt disgusted. After a year went and this partner was out of the picture for good. I told my mom what had happened. I was never close with my dad my whole life and I will touch base on that in another post, but fast forward he didn't find out until I was 21. Aside from that, I told my mom, and she has always been a woman of a few words, and then she didn't know what to say other than "it's going to be ok."

The story continues..... The second time was with another partner of mine that I am to this day so scared of even though I moved miles away and basically went incognito and started a whole new life. I still have that fear of being found, contacted, or getting hurt by this person. This person has left some permanent damage in the short 3 months we were together. He ended up living in my mom’s house with us for the short span he was in my life because he had nowhere else to go. He treated my body during sex like it was just some rag doll he could just throw around, has left handprints and bruises on my body, emotionally abused the fuck out of me, and even hurt my private area. It was having the power and control over me and my body that I couldn't escape. The fighting what GOD AWFUL that he blamed me for EVERYTHING. Nothing was ever right. Fighting was so bad that I would be bawling to the point I was puking, I remember one time I was bawling so bad I ended up puking on myself. I was in such danger from this relationship that I really felt like if I left him, he would hurt me in my sleep. I thought I was going to die. So, how did I end up getting out of that relationship. Well, I had to be the worst version of myself so that he would get sick and tired of me and leave me. I did all the things he hated that I did, so that I could push him to his breaking point of wanting to get out of the relationship. I hate that I had to be the worst version of who I was, but I knew that was the only way I was going to save myself.

I hate that I went through what I had gone through. I learned that I am strong when I think I am weak, I learned that I could fight for myself when I feel like I can’t, and I learned that seeking help and healing from your trauma properly will give you a purpose again. It has been 12 years, and 5 years, since everything happened and since then I have learned how to live life again. I moved from the trauma, sought the proper help from a damn good therapist, and picked myself back up and put me first in my life, and found a partner who loves and adores me. He treats me like a flower as his momma always told him to treat women like flowers. We are now engaged, living together, with 2 fur babies, and now have a little one on the way. I love and adore this man with all my heart and will always know he was put in my life to show me what love is meant and suppose to feel like, and I love him for that.

If you are someone that has experienced or is currently going through something similar. Please act now and seek help. Call 911 and pretend like you’re ordering a pizza, when out in public quietly let know that you are in danger, or even call the sexual assault line at the number provided: 800.656.HOPE.

Your life is worth living to its absolute fullest. Put yourself first, there is truly happiness and the other side of healing. Your story will inspire others to speak up one day.

Xoxo,

Mariah