*TW* Pregnancy Loss

This post is going to be a lot more sentimental and heartbreaking. To those that have been through an experience like this my heart is heavy and hurts for you. It was back in December of 2023 when I saw an endocrinologist and she ruled out that I was going through Perimenopause. I am only 26 years old, and obviously have that dream to have kids of my own one day. She suggested I'd meet with my doctor to discuss my options and potentially meet with a fertility specialist. When I heard those words, my partner and I have just started trying to say the least. If I was able to get pregnant on my own then we’d be happy, but if I couldn’t and needed to get further treatment, we would have still been hopeful.

Come February 2024, I went to the store came back home and took a pregnancy test. I sat it on the counter and went about making my breakfast. I went back to check it and my face lit up and I gasped so loudly, running out to my fiancé. It said “Pregnant.” I then took another one to confirm, and later that day another one. As women we just have a hard time believing it’s real, so we need to consistently reassure ourselves. At least for me I needed to, to bring peace to my mind. I called my doctor that same day to get an appointment set up.

Weeks later, I was let go from my job. I just found out I was pregnant and now I lost my job. It felt like my world was crashing down. As if that wasn’t terrible enough news, my partner and I went to our first ultrasound appointment, and we didn’t get the news that we wanted to hear but we left still being hopeful. There was nothing in my uterus, and they projected that I was 5 weeks that day, but I learned that they didn’t have the correct LMP. The person I spoke with on the phone did not put it in correctly. I told them that, but nothing was fixed. The doctor came in and said that there was a “Mass” that looked like it was attached to my right ovary. He has concerns because he has felt that this would be more of an Ectopic Pregnancy. Blood was drawn and a follow up ultrasound appointment was scheduled for the following week to see if that “Mass” had moved or not. 24 hours have gone by, and I get a call from my doctor regarding my lab work results. He said that my HCG levels were really concerning for there being nothing in my uterus. So, he ruled that I was having an ectopic pregnancy over the phone. I was driving home from just meeting up with a friend, and I just… I just wanted to drive my car into a tree. I scuffed and said, “Of course, why would I ever get lucky enough to having something good going for me anyways.” My whole life I always felt like I was never given a break from the challenges that life throws my way. When things were always going well, I never wanted to believe it because weeks, days, months later the bad hit. Low and behold the bad hit and I am just so numb.

I had such a hard time believing what the doctor told me over the phone because I was never given the second chance to get a second round of lab work, let alone got to my second ultrasound to see if anything has changed. The doctor told me in a week it is possible for it to show in the uterus. So, I called another doctor to just get a second opinion because from the beginning they were never calculating my LMP correctly anyways. I am going today (3/1/24) with hopes that God had answered my prayers in the 48 hours since my last ultrasound. As I sit here this morning with my little cup of coffee typing this, I just sit here in the presence of God praying that he is doing the work in my life and reminding myself that he is in control.

2 weeks have gone by....

Unfortunately, here we are today almost two weeks later since I went to see another doctor for a second opinion. The second Doctor told me that I still had a chance for our baby to implant itself into my uterus and to come back in a week since everything was just still too early to tell. I went back and got my ultrasound and right after the doctor came in…. and well…..

That’s when it felt like the world just stopped for a minute. He comes in and says, “You are having an Ectopic Pregnancy.” He said that they were able to locate a Gestational Sac with a fetal pole and a heartbeat. Yes, a Heartbeat. He went and scheduled me to get a Laparoscopic Tubal Litigation and so forth and so forth medical terms. When my finance and I were on our way home it was just silence. Tears are running down my face and he trying to be strong was just breaking. To know there was an actual baby growing with a heartbeat we never got to hear is what breaks us the most.

I went to the hospital the next day to get my surgery. We arrived and as we were sitting there getting prepped, I was just trying to make light of the situation and be my silly self with the nurses making them laugh. I didn’t want to think about what was about to happen, so I had to distract myself from that thought. 9:30AM comes around and I am heading back to the OR. I remember them transferring me from the bed to the table, and then putting an oxygen mask on my face. I was breathing and next I was sleeping. When I woke up, I was panicking and in excruciating pain. They immediately drugged me up with Oxy, fentanyl, and Toradol. I didn’t know my body could handle all that at once, but it did. My fiancé finally came back to see me, and I was just lying there sipping on my water and eating graham crackers. More like choking on everything because my mouth was just so dang dry from the intubation. The nurses stepped out and I started to get dressed. I moved too quickly and immediately got nauseous and dizzy. When the nurses came back, I told them and the next minute they said my blood pressure had dropped. I stayed an extra 20 minutes until my blood pressure returned to normal and the nausea medication kicked in.

I was finally able to go home. Before leaving the hospital the nurse that was with me in pre-op came back when I was in post-op, and I strongly believe that she was meant to be my nurse that day. I cried to her saying I feel like everything was taken from me and just have this emptiness in my body now. She began crying with me and shared that she had a miscarriage and that it still affects her to this day, but after that miscarriage she went on to have 2 kids. She looked me in the face with tears in her eyes and said, “You will have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby.” As I transferred into the wheelchair she came up and gave me the biggest hug.

Upon my return I went to lay in bed and just cried and grieved the rest of the night. I began blaming myself for the loss of our baby. I began apologizing to my fiancé because I just felt this heaviness in my heart that I was to blame and that it was all my fault. I began feeling angry towards myself and my body because it just couldn’t do what it needed to do. A lot of tears have been shed, a lot of blame and anger towards me. And a lot of pain when I see moms posting their kids on social media, or first-time baby mommas. It’d not be a hate towards them as being pregnant and having a baby is a pure gift of life. It is more an angry feeling that some women have successful pregnancies and then other’s experience loss, and in my head, I just think “Must be nice.” You don’t realize the many complications you can have during pregnancy until you are pregnant. Just like I never expected I would be one to experience loss, but I did, and I still am grieving it.

Heaviness sits in my heart as I do wish things had gone differently for myself and fiancé. Emptiness flows through my body as I experience the loss of our baby and the loss of my right fallopian tube. Did I forget to mention that they had to remove my whole entire right fallopian tube, well now you know. I just feel like so much was taken from me in the matter of 30 minutes, and it’s hard to even process and wrap my head around it.

To all the other moms out there that have experienced loss my heart aches for you, and if you have not done so already, please seek a therapist or support group because if there is one thing I know for sure it’s that… You cannot process this alone. I immediately contacted my therapist to get in to see her as I knew I wasn’t going to be able to process this in a healthy way. I needed to learn ways to heal and navigate through the loss. I know with time I will begin to heal, and with everything still being so “fresh” I just do not foresee it happening anytime soon. The blame towards myself is still there, apologizing to my partner for our loss is still happening, and that anger towards those who have successful pregnancies is still there. Emotions and feelings are high right now, but having the support of family, partner, and professional help is going to help me heal. With that, I am finishing with a letter that I wrote to my child…..

“My Child,

Mommy and Daddy were so excited to bring you into this world and give you all the love we carried. We were so excited to one day listen to your heartbeat, know your gender, and give you a beautiful name. I was so excited for the moment of holding you in my arms and watching your daddy hold you in his. I love my fur babies but was ready to start a family. Your Daddy was so ready to hold you close to his chest and give you the same love her gives his mommy.

However, God had other plans for us and for you.

I want you to know that we loved you from the moment we found out, and I blame myself for how things ended. I know with time I will eventually learn that it’s not my fault. But right now, I do feel like it is. I’m broken-hearted that my body couldn’t do what it needed to and for that my child I am so so so deeply sorry we lost you.

A feeling of emptiness runs through my body and a strong feeling of grief sits heavily on mine and your father’s heart because you were a loss. One day, I know we will meet you and get that blessing to hear your heartbeat like the doctors did before you were quickly taken from us. Until then allow God to wrap his arms around you and give you all the love you need my sweet angel.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy ❤️👣”

Xoxo,

Mariah